Ruined is something that has endured for over a decade. Ruined is the confidence that everyone said I needed to have. Ruined is the philosophy that the simplest way to obtain something is to move forward, let your desires be known, and watch as you are rewarded. Ruined is the friendship of a candidate for a cure for cancer, or a Nobel Prize. Ruined are the efforts to recover from past hurt. Ruined is the possibility of happiness. Ruined are the hopes that life was looking up. Everything that was going good with my life was ruined because of one ill thought message. It seems nothing will survive this, and hermitude will ensue. I can not trust anyone but the person who destroyed my illusions of the value of emotional bonds. A sad day when the damage done by one person is forgotten when another destroys the rest of my life. I am lied to my face. Everyone thinks I am stupid and cannot see. Everyone looks down on me and acts like they are better. Why? Ambition? Education? The desire to neglect family and friends to make money to attempt to cover the debts they incurred attempting to reach that point? What makes them thing they are better than me? Why do they all suddenly decide to look down their noses at someone who is quite possibly more intelligent than the majority of them? Because I do not force myself into their standards? Because I don't live up to the potential they want me to achieve? Do they give two shits about what I want out of life? Some people say that they do it out of love and caring. Some people say they do it because they want what is "best" for me. Some people just want to be nosy and control my life. Not a single one paused to honestly consider if I am doing what I want out of life. Not a one thought, "maybe if he wanted these things, he would have done them already." Every time someone comments about my lack of education, ambition, or direction in life, they belittle who I am, and prove their lack of understanding of my motivations and wants. No one believes I can step up to responsibilities, due to the simple, sad fact that I will not go out of my way to pile responsibilities on top of myself. I have never had a more tenuous grasp on my emotions than in the past two weeks. Deceit seems to be a popular trigger. Refusal to listen to apologies or even exchange nonsensical pleasantries. I invited this misery upon myself with an astounding lack of common sense, but with an unexpected level of naivety. I invite misery into my life, and berate myself for not recognizing the fact before the damage was caused. All because I invited poison into my life. Poison innocently disguised as wine. Always remember this one fact.
Poison starts with P
